Welcome, Human – The Basics of Being a Good Cat Servant

A Royal Proclamation from His Majesty, Monsieur Pompadour:

“Ah, enfin! You have finally realized your true purpose in life—serving me. Quelle surprise! I must say, it took you long enough. But worry not, mon cher, for I—Monsieur Pompadour, the supreme connoisseur of comfort, the architect of elegance, and the undisputed ruler of your home—shall personally educate you on how to serve me properly.”

“It is my duty—nay, my burden—to transform you from a hopelessly inadequate peasant into a halfway decent cat servant. Fail me, and I shall express my disappointment in the most effective way I know: by knocking your most fragile possessions off the nearest surface. Succeed, and I might—MIGHT—permit you the honor of briefly touching my royal fur. But do not get too comfortable—I am not a peasant’s lap cat.”

Rule #1: You are Here to Serve, Not Command

“You may believe that you have ‘adopted’ me, but let me correct this tragic misconception. I have graciously allowed you to house me in your mediocre dwelling. You should be thanking me.”

How to Avoid Immediate Disgrace:

• If I stare at you, it means I expect food. (And I expect it NOW. Not “in a second.” Not “hold on.” NOW.)
• If I slow blink, it means you are momentarily acceptable as a life form. (You may respond by slow-blinking back. Consider it a rare moment of approval.)
• If I turn my back on you, it means you have disappointed me beyond words. (Perhaps you have fed me too late? Perhaps you have worn an offensively ugly outfit? Either way, I am disgusted.)

Rule #2: Your Home is Now My Kingdom

“Did you think this was your house? Mon dieu, how naïve! The moment I set paw in this establishment, it became my domain. You? You are merely the caretaker of my palace.”

How to Prepare My Royal Chambers:

• Arrange my throne (Cat Tree & Climbing Spaces):
• I demand a high perch (such as an H-Tree) where I may gracefully observe my kingdom and pass judgment.
• If the structure is wobbly or cheap, I shall push it over in protest. Quelle horreur!
• Provide secret hideouts (Safe Spaces):
• Even the most social monarch requires moments of solitude. I expect cozy, enclosed spaces where I can retreat when I tire of your nonsense.
• Suitable options include covered cat beds, cardboard boxes (yes, even royalty enjoys the occasional humble pleasure), or secluded corners.
• Eliminate all threats (Cat-Proofing Your Home):
• Remove toxic plants (lilies, aloe vera, philodendrons—look them up, imbecile!).
• Hide dangling cords and wires, lest I chew them in protest.
• Secure fragile objects, or they shall meet the floor at my discretion.

Rule #3: My Diet is Sacred—Feed Me Like the Royalty I Am

“I do not simply ‘eat’. I dine. There is a difference, peasant.”

Proper Nutrition for a Feline of Distinction:

• No mystery meat:
• I am an obligate carnivore, meaning I require a diet high in protein.
• If I detect even a whiff of grain filler, I shall glare at you in disappointment and refuse to eat out of principle.
• Wet food vs. dry food? Wet food is preferable—it contains more moisture and is closer to what my wild ancestors ate. But a high-quality dry food is barely acceptable.
• Hydration is key:
• Still water? Quelle horreur! I expect a fountain—for still water is for peasants.
• Cats have low thirst drives, which is why running water is preferable.
• Treats are a currency:
• You may bribe me with freeze-dried meats or premium catnip delicacies, but only in moderation. A well-fed figure is a sign of nobility, but I refuse to become pudgy like an undignified house cat.

Rule #4: The Litter Box is Not Optional

“A dirty litter box? SACRÉ BLEU! This is an insult of the highest order!”

Proper Litter Box Maintenance for the Uncultured:

• Placement matters:
• DO put it in a quiet, dignified location where I may conduct my business in peace.
• DO NOT place it next to my food. What are you, a barbarian?!
• Cleanliness is non-negotiable:
• Scoop it daily. I refuse to step in filth.
• Deep-clean weekly with unscented soap (cats despise chemical smells).
• Size matters:
• The box should be 1.5x my body length so I may dig, turn, and cover my treasures with dignity.
•  A tiny box that forces me to fold up like a poorly treated croissant? UNACCEPTABLE!

Rule #5: Playtime is Mandatory, But on My Terms

“Your entertainment skills are, quite frankly, lacking. However, I shall allow you the opportunity to improve.”

How to Properly Amuse Me:

• Hunt simulation:
• I am a born predator. Feather wands, fast-moving toys, and mechanized mice are acceptable distractions.
• Laser pointers? Fun, but unsatisfying without a “kill” at the end (I expect a treat or toy after a laser session).
• Variety is key:
• Rotate my toys every few days—I lose interest quickly.
• Respect my limits:
• If I suddenly stop playing to stare at you, do not question me. I am contemplating the meaning of existence.

Final Words from Monsieur Pompadour

“If you follow my instructions well, I may grant you the highest honor of all: the rare and precious Head Boop. Serve me well, and we shall prosper together. Fail me, and, well… let’s just say your favorite vase looks very precariously placed right now.” 

Coming Up Next…

Prepare yourself for Blog #2: “Choosing the Right Cat – Are You Worthy of a Feline Overlord?” where I, Monsieur Pompadour, shall graciously educate you on selecting the correct royal companion for your home.